Coming Out as a Bisexual Male Today? The RULE is NEED TO KNOW!
COMING OUT BISEXUAL?
My Bisexuality is None of Your Business! The Bisexual Rule: "Need to Know!"
The Bi Men Network has grown from just 100 lonely brave bi guys in February of 1998 to now over 250,000 bisexual and bi-curious men and many gay friends and bi couples with us here worldwide. By June of 1999 we had grown like hot wild Western brush fires to over 25,000 men in just 15 months. After a decade in existence we now have well over 1/4 million adult male members on all six continents.
In the early days - in 1999 around about Father's Day--with my new excitement and enthusiasm--I warmly embraced the Bi Men Network as a "calling" and took it on full time with the support of many bi men members who generously joined and funded us as lifetime members and with a series of grants from the AI.B. (now Bi Foundation) a tax-exempt 501C3 charitable organization.
At that time I did start to openly announce and even proclaim my own bisexuality and my new "calling" to close friends, family members and colleagues at my local church where I worked with the homeless. To this day - years later - I never cease to both be amazed and amused how "straight" folks and even gays and Lesbians start to actually shiver/shudder/shake in their seats after letting this "cat out of the bag!" Likely it was Inevitable that I would share this news since I had chosen to take this on full time. At the time it made sense - now many years later - I firmly believe that for most of our 1/4 million bisexual and bi-curious guys here:
OUR BISEXUALITY/YOUR BISEXUALITY is a very personal and private matter!
I had alienated my immediate family and many friends. While some have come through like saints - by and far all it does is make many others VERY UNHAPPY and UNCOMFORTABLE and rather oddly even serves to alienate them from you!
THE ANTIPATHY and UNEASE of many gays, Lesbians, and heterosexuals with a fully-ANNOUNCED bisexual is amazing (that is an entire other essay) - but the minute it comes up - many otherwise enlightened and tolerant people start to obviously squirm quite uncomfortably in their seats.
It may be that today in the USA - at least I would project - that San Francisco, and West Hollywood, Ft. Lauderdale, and Manhattan - may well be the only four enlightened enclaves where one can comfortably proclaim oneself bisexual. AND with those four areas - I am not in fact suggesting the entire metropolitan areas - just those four enclaves of those major metro areas. In Canada it seems that Montreal, Toronto and Vancouver are also nice bi-friendly metropolitan areas.
I had high hopes now years ago at the turn of the new century and a brand new millenium most people would be more open and accepting of our bisexuality. I no longer believe that is true - it may well take another decade or two if not even longer. Increasingly we must also face the problem and obstacle-course of "bisexual erasure". Increasingly many of both or gay and Lesbian "friends" and members of the heterosexual world deny that bisexuals actually exist even in the New York Times!
So at this time I suggest that it is just great that we have one another here at the Bi Men Network and the relatively few other places receptive to bisexuals. That is why here at our Bi Men Network I am increasing a focus on finding truly bi-friendly venues and not just those that welcome the green of our money - but friends who accept bisexuality as both a bridge for some and a lifelong destination for many.
No one can or should decide your sexuality for you! Here we seek more and more true friends worldwide who are truly bi-friendly and genuine friends to bi guys and to our Bi Men Network. We should and must all stick together and that is the top
benefit of associating with us at the Bi Men Network.
After many, many years in the trenches - I do now believe and suggest to all here that OUR BISEXUALITY is our own personal concern - it is our own private business - and not the concern of anyone else. IF and when you do choose to disclose this to another person - as a spouse, family member, old friend, or colleague - you should do so only after a very serious review and long soulful consideration.
One must learn to accept that there is no way to surely determine how such a revelation of bisexuality will be accepted and lived with in the immediate future. often over time it is ultimately a good decision and results in richer, deeper more meaningful relationships but that is not always the case. One must prepare for both the best case and worst case scenarios and all the infinite shades of gray between.
In my humble view - IT should be on a NEED to KNOW basis and this is my current belief system after many years of intense exposure to this grave subject and the results of ill-considered revelations of male bisexuality to others. For a wide variety of reasons, female bisexuality is currently much
more acceptable and tolerated by society than male bisexuality.
For me the "cat is out of the bag" and now I even take some joy and often relish in seeing others' reactions - but then I can more readily do this as the Fouder and only full-time employee here at our Bi Men Network. Thankfully the ruptures with most of my family have healed but I have lost and alienated a few friends. Yet over time I have made many wonderful replacements here at our Bi Men Network and via our Bi Men Network. This is one major subject we discuss at our Bi Men events and often on our discussion board.
Many, many married men here - want so very much to bring forth and reveal their bisexual status to their wives, family members and loved ones. It is a repeated and good discussion topic here. But be sure to review this for some time and be sure that this is the best, and wiser course of action for you all concerned. Are you really wanting to reveal this for the greater good of all parties - are your reasons loving and giving? Will this be for the greater good of all concened and your family - especially any younger children living at home as well as your wife or lover? How could this have
an effect on your job - and on your status, standing in the community?
Be sure that you are not "fessing up" due to your own guilt and anxiety - seeking merely to set up a "misery loves company" scenario or some unhealthy, unloving attempt to hurt or injure your wife/lover. Whatever you may decide it is YOUR OWN VERY PERSONAL DECISION TO TELL OR NOT TO TELL. You must take full responsibility for telling and the aftermath of telling. Be prepared for the good, the bad, and the ugly that may well be the early more immediate results. Prepare for
any results from very good to just horrid!
BUT as said after my own sad experiences and many "war stories" I have heard for years now - I believe it is a PRIVATE CONCERN. It seems we are like the very early Christians in the Roman Empire - needing to stick together and draw depictions of a Fish in the sand to know who you can talk with freely and openly and who you can trust to be discreet.
We must learn to love and to just accept ourselves - and that is another great facet of our Bi Men Network and our Bi Men Network discussion forum. Our motto over the years - from the get-go - has been and is: "YOU ARE NOT ALONE!" and now with over 250,000 of us worldwide and a great new social networking platform this is true.
My last year in law school at the University of California's Hastings College of Law in San Francisco we were allowed three visits that year to a volunteer psychiatrist at UC Medical Center. That last year I was very troubled by my sexuality and going into the real world in a legal career where I knew you could not be open about it (especially outside San Francisco as I had clerked for a very conservative, Blue Chip Baltimore old-line law firm).
My draw was a delightful older lady, a Hungarian refugee from the 1956 anti- Communist Hungarian Revolt, who was now into two decades as a psychiatrist in lively over-sexed San Francisco. Each visit she would urge me on in a deep accent - made me think of Freud - only two more visits - only one more visit (i.e."Cough it up fast!").
At our last session - she went on to say: "Mr. McCloud - they have a coffee room at Hastings Law School --- No???? You have coffee daily with your legal colleagues there --- No?????? You are at the table - and you are so very concerned about Your Sexuality! No???????
BUT after two decades here in San Francisco - one of the major sexual capitals of the world - I can assure you: One man at that table - is happily married - but when his wife is away likes to try on her clothes and masturbate. She often wonders how and why her clothes are all stretched out - but says nothing - just buying more new things. Does this man feel compelled to share over coffee these sexual needs and his desires?????? But - no!!!!
Another man at that table is also happily married - but can only get erect and perform for his wife as they say "Doggie Style" - and he speaks to her quite nastily while doing so. Does he feel compelled to speak of this openly or does she????? But --- No!!!
Then the 3rd Man - will be a lifelong bachelor - with a large collection of soiled women's panties - taken from his previous female conquests - he likes to smell them - remember the conquests - and masturbate. Does he share this with you men there? But - No!!!
And then you - you in San Francisco - a little missionary position with both sexes and lots of French Active and Passive with mainly one sex -- you are NOTHING more than a mere garden-variety BI/FAGGOT - nothing more - nothing less - and your tale also is not for discussion over coffee at the Hastings Coffee Room. These things are merely personal and quite intimate and are of no one's concern but your own. GO and do not worry so much about such things!"
So over 30 years ago that ended my three
last sessions with a shrink - and every since
then I have been a relatively happy and very
much guilt-free garden variety bisexual faggot!
So NEED TO KNOW THAT IS THE ANSWER AS A GENERAL RULE OF THUMB! So I do conclude our BISEXUALITY is no one else's business or anyone's concern and is best kept personal and strictly to ourselves!
A GENERAL RULE OF THUMB = "NEED TO KNOW - ONLY!" So Bi Men Members and friends - what do all you folks think?
Please send your comments on this topic (and many others) and any feedback at our discussion board. This is just the type of "Stuff" we share and discuss on
our discussion board at our all new Bi Men
Network social networking site. See how to join the fun there - below! OK!
My Best Wishes & Big Hugs!
Stewart (Mac) McCloud
Bi MEN NETWORK - www.bimen.org
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Thank you for your ongoing support.
Bi MEN NETWORKhttp://www.bimen.org
Our Bi MEN NETWORK motto: "You are NOT alone!"